Saturday Storytime

28 Nov

I was walking my 6th grade daughter out of school the other day. As we rounded the bend towards home I mentioned that her older sister had an appointment in an hour or so and she'd be tagging along.

All of her non-verbal comms told me straight away, this was unexpected and upsetting news. Head down, huge sigh, slumped shoulders, feet slapping the pavement a little harder than usual.

I held space as we walked along. It's what I've trained myself to do. I know it works. I've seen it work a thousand times.

"I can tell you're not ok”, I ventured. “Want to tell me what you're feeling?"

Her wobbly, tense voice reached out to me, "I don't want to go. I didn't know we had to go anywhere. I have homework. I'm worried I will run out of time and feel stressed. Why does it have to be today? I feel overwhelmed and scared I won't get everything done."

"OK. Thanks for telling me. Helps to know what it's like for you. Feels a bit messy in your head right now? Makes sense. Wasn't how you expected your afternoon to go was it?" Hashtag, holding space.

She nodded along. But her body language didn't shift. We kept walking. Her head stayed down, feet now dragging along, repeated sighs and little hands wiping at her eyes.

I went it for round two of holding space. Checked for understanding. Reflected and connected with her, very reasonable, feelings.

I waited...still...no success. No shift. No movement. She was dark.

After walking along in uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes I said:

"How about when we get home we ask your sister if she's happy to go to her appointment on her own? (sister is 17) That way you can stay home and get everything done like you'd planned?"

Without missing a beat, her head jerked up and she said, "No, I don't want you to ask her."

A little alarm bell started ringing somewhere in the back of my head, but I ploughed on.

"It's ok to ask for help sometimes sweetie. Your sister can always say no, but she might be quite happy to help you out."

The escalation of her 11-year-old emotions was tangible. She began to cry, she physically pulled away from me entirely, "No Mummy, I just don't want to. Please don't ask. I don't want you to".

In retrospect I know this is when my frustration and concern started to build. I felt she was too scared to ask for help, too worried about what other people wanted/needed and too quick to absorb her own discomfort lest she cause pain for someone else (*projection* *projection* *projection*).

At this point I knew our connection had dissolved and I needed to refresh with holding space again. But you know what? I REALLY didn't want to. Damn it I just wanted to fix it. Just for once. I'm right, I know I'm right child. Please just LET ME FIX IT!

So I pressed on KNOWING I was no longer helping her. I justified. I explained. I simplified. I "put my foot down".

She escalated further and quicker. Sobbing, begging, angry words and clear frustration directed toward me.

I stopped walking. She stopped alongside me, tears streaming.

I sighed dramatically. "I just don't understand what's going on." (I did...I was just in defiant denial). "You've been so upset all the way home, it wasn't shifting. All I was trying to do was help by making one suggestion."

"But I didn't need a suggestion Mummy!" She replied, hands balled at her sides, dark eyes and clenched jaw. "I'm just...I'm just frustrated!!!"

I FINALLY gave in to the alarm bells. I paused and crouched in front of her, hands on her shoulders. "OK, I said. I'm listening." I sat down on the curb. She came a sat by me.

Through tears, "It's fine Mum. I wasn't saying I wasn't going to go to the appointment. I didn't want you to do anything. I was just overwhelmed and stressed. Then you weren't listening to me and you just kept on going and going."

Realising what I'd done, I (finally) set my stubborn pride aside. "Yep, you're right. I did. I thought I was right."

Then she said (and I shit you not),

"I wasn't meaning I couldn't do it Mum. I can. I'll be fine. Sometimes I just have to do things I don't want to do and that's ok. That's just the way it is. I just needed to feel bad".

It took us another few minutes of debriefing to get back to being connected, back to being together in the reality of her discomfort (and mine), but we got there. The longest walk home ever! 😉.

I know in my head that fixing without permission will NEVER ultimately be helpful for my child (unless she's unconscious or in imminent danger). But man, sometimes I just wanna fix stuff so bad. I want to make it go away. I want to make it better. And it's right there so often...the perfect solution is RIGHT FRIGGIN THERE PEOPLE! Sigh. It's HARD.

But the thing is...as intense as my desire to fix was, my daughter's innate, biological, protective and important NEED to feel and listen to her feelings is bigger and stronger and more influential than my urge to make her hard feelings go away ever will be.

Now, my kid is being trained to know how to feel her feelings. That's why she could articulate the way she did that day.

If kids aren't trained, guided and allowed to feel their feelings they will still experience the same distress and exhibit the same behaviours (probably escalated even further), they just won't be able to tell you what's going on. They will feel all of it confused and ALONE. Please let's not leave our kids alone in pain.

When we feel that urge to fix...and I know it's strong...pause and: